give everything to Him

lately i've been at kind of a low point in my life. Some of you who are reading this probably know what i am talking about and i thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
this past weekend i went to church with a friend and it was a very enjoyable experience. He got baptized and it was so great to see that. I loved so much seeing someone devote everything to Christ and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. but then i began thinking.......what if this never happens for me? what if i don't make it to this point in my relationship with God where i give everything to Him? i haven't yet. and i'm scared that i'm not going to. i want to give EVERYTHING to Him. i want to be able to live in constant joy because of my faith. i want to love God completely and put all of my faith and trust in Him. I want to give Him my heart. I want Him to be my father. my best friend. my confidant. my everything. Yes, i love Him so much and He has given me so much to be thankful for, but i haven't given everything to Him in return. I don't always trust Him. Sometimes He really does piss me off. (And yes, some would consider these feelings normal. No need to mention that.)
The world is a dangerous place. I find that sometimes i'm more concerned with my cell phone than God. I'd rather tune in on Thursday nights at 9:00 and watch Grey's Anatomy instead of praying. I would prefer to listen to Evita rather than worship music. I want to live for God. I want to be able to say that i would give up everything for Him. Right now, i don't think that's the case. That scares me. I'm afraid that i'm getting so sucked into the world that i'm going to forget about God. I'm afraid that one day i will walk away or something worse will happen. I don't want that. At all.
So where do i go from here? What's holding me back? Well, for some the answer is obvious. Yes i have my own personal struggles, many whom know about them, but i know thats not an excuse. Even in the bad times i need to give Him the glory. Well, i find that hard at times. Sometimes i find myself blaming God for my problems rather than asking for help or showing Him any love. I hate that. I hate this stupid human nature that we all have. It sucks. Typically my life focuses on the negative rather than the positive. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe i should focus on what i already have rather than what i don't have in my life. well. let's give that a try.
Don't get me wrong. I love God. I really do. Some may think that this blog and what i have written contradicts that statement, but i know that i do love God. Don't doubt that. I have a lot to work on. A lot of growing to do. A lot to change. I shall be praying about it. And prayers are always welcome.