lately i've been at kind of a low point in my life. Some of you who are reading this probably know what i am talking about and i thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
this past weekend i went to church with a friend and it was a very enjoyable experience. He got baptized and it was so great to see that. I loved so much seeing someone devote everything to Christ and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. but then i began thinking.......what if this never happens for me? what if i don't make it to this point in my relationship with God where i give everything to Him? i haven't yet. and i'm scared that i'm not going to. i want to give EVERYTHING to Him. i want to be able to live in constant joy because of my faith. i want to love God completely and put all of my faith and trust in Him. I want to give Him my heart. I want Him to be my father. my best friend. my confidant. my everything. Yes, i love Him so much and He has given me so much to be thankful for, but i haven't given everything to Him in return. I don't always trust Him. Sometimes He really does piss me off. (And yes, some would consider these feelings normal. No need to mention that.)
The world is a dangerous place. I find that sometimes i'm more concerned with my cell phone than God. I'd rather tune in on Thursday nights at 9:00 and watch Grey's Anatomy instead of praying. I would prefer to listen to Evita rather than worship music. I want to live for God. I want to be able to say that i would give up everything for Him. Right now, i don't think that's the case. That scares me. I'm afraid that i'm getting so sucked into the world that i'm going to forget about God. I'm afraid that one day i will walk away or something worse will happen. I don't want that. At all.
So where do i go from here? What's holding me back? Well, for some the answer is obvious. Yes i have my own personal struggles, many whom know about them, but i know thats not an excuse. Even in the bad times i need to give Him the glory. Well, i find that hard at times. Sometimes i find myself blaming God for my problems rather than asking for help or showing Him any love. I hate that. I hate this stupid human nature that we all have. It sucks. Typically my life focuses on the negative rather than the positive. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe i should focus on what i already have rather than what i don't have in my life. well. let's give that a try.
Don't get me wrong. I love God. I really do. Some may think that this blog and what i have written contradicts that statement, but i know that i do love God. Don't doubt that. I have a lot to work on. A lot of growing to do. A lot to change. I shall be praying about it. And prayers are always welcome.
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I think your too hard on yourself Ben, You can still watch Grey's Anatomy and have other stuff in your life, you do live in this world the key is not to be of this world. YOU know what is more important. Giving everything to him doesn't mean giving up everything in this world. I do agree with the need to focus on the positive things and not be so negative, that's a good plan, because God gives us so much good and we need to appreciate and value it by giving thanks. Prayer isn't always "actual prayer" sometimes its just an attitude, an attitude of thankfulness for all he has done for the goodness in your life. Remember the whole
Learning to trust even when I had doubts was what brought me through hard times. Even if you don't FEEL it say it, pray it, he will be faithful. You can be honest and say I don't think it's going to work out I feel hopeless but I am not going to completely give up, I don't have much faith but here is the small bit that I do have....
Anyway I hope that helps, I am here if you want to talk anytime Ben! peacenlove
Darcy
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