God The Mother?

In the religion of Christianity, God is referred to as The Father. It's even mentioned in scripture, the most popular verses being Matthew 6:9-13 where The Lord's Prayer begins by saying, "Our Father who art in heaven..." However, i have found much comfort in thinking of God as a mother. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Why not consider God a mother as well? Why is it that i feel this way? Let me explain...

I grew up with a father who was absent. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally he wasn't there. Therefore, i took comfort in knowing that my mother was there for me and offered unconditional love to me. I had always heard God described as The Father, but i never considered Him to be that. How am i supposed to consider God a father when my own earthly father didn't show me the love that a father should?

Well, I read The Shack. Surely many of you have heard of this book, some of you have probably read it as well. In this book God is depicted as an African American woman. Personally, when i read it i pictured someone like Queen Latifah, I've heard this from others as well. Anyway, the God in this book is so loving, caring, compassionate and all of the other qualities that God has, however, God is a woman. A mother. First reading this i was confused. The idea of God being the father were consuming my head that i hadn't even considered God to be a mother. However, through reading that book and reflecting on my own relationship with my earthly mother, i have concluded that yes, God can be considered a Mother. I have found such great comfort in this. Yes, God can be a Father, but He can also be a Mother. I don't just all of a sudden say, "God is a woman." But i must say that i have found a greater sense of love from God when calling on Him as my Mother.

God is my Father. My Mother. My Friend. M Brother. He is everything to me.

Journaling...

is such great therapy.
Pour your heart out into the pages.
It really does help.

Hope in the midst of struggle

Something that i've been struggling a lot with lately is the idea of trusting God. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible for me to do that. I have been hurt by some of the most important people in my life and that has definitely caused me to have trust issues now. I find that i sometimes keep a guard up around some people and it's hard to really get close to them or to even feel vulnerable. Although that's not always the case, it still sucks. So, here's my story.....

This past monday I was having a really tough day. I found myself feeling very sad and depressed about certain things and i ended up having a horrible day. At one point the depression turned into anger and then lonliness and then just became hopelessness. I just needed to pour my heart out to someone. So i did.

I met up with a friend of mine and told him everything that was going on, everything I was feeling. I confessed that i was feeling hopeless. I confessed that i felt so alone and like nobody cared for me. I confessed that i wasn't feeling the presence of God and I was even doubting His love for me. I wasn't trusting God that He was going to help me out of my struggle and that He was going to heal me. I didn't believe it. I was so angry at God because i was going through such a tough time.

My friend offered a lot of encouragement. He shared part of his story that pertained to mine and it was very helpful. He has such a huge amount of Hope and he said that he had hope for me that i was going to be healed because that is what God did for him. He healed him. It's so great to hear these words.

What did I need? I needed love. I needed someone to say, "Hey. I care about you and i'm here to listen." That is exactly what i got. God spoke through my friend. He helped me to feel His love through a relationship with someone else. Ever since that talk I have felt so amazing. I have been making commitments that I plan to keep and I have felt so much better about God. God showed me love. He showed me that i can trust Him. He showed me that it's good to be vulnerable sometimes. It's the truth. I'm feeling amazing right now. Am i still dealing with struggles? Of course. However, I know God is here. And i will always remember that.

Hurt

There's so much of it in the world.
There's so much pain.
So much hate,
So much hurt.
It sucks.
It's sad, but it's reality.
That's the unfortunate part.
How can we fix it?
Show love.
Stop the homelessness.
Stop the hate towards homosexuals.
Abortionists.
Drug users.
Those who engage themselves in premarital sex.
Stop the war in Sudan and Iraq.
Stop all wars.
Stop the violence against women and children.
Stop the hate.
Start to love.

Unconditional Love

God loves. He does not hate. He loves homosexuals. He loves people who get abortions. He loves people who steal. He loves murderers. He loves liars. He loves the child predators. He loves the homeless. He loves the people who hate you. He loves the people that you yourself hate. He loves bad parents. He loves rebellious children. He loves those who have premarital sex. He loves drug users. He loves alcoholics. He loves atheists. He loves Buddhists. He loves EVERYONE. There is not one single human being on this earth that is not loved by God. It's confusing, but true. I don't even understand it. How can God love a father who is an alcoholic and who is abusive emotionally? How can God love someone who is arrogant, self centered and engages is the worst acts of sex? How can God love someone that killed one of my friends? I don't know. But i believe that He does. The Bible says so. I have done some terrible things in my life but God loves me anyway. It amazes me. It took me a LONG time to actually believe that God loves me but it's always been true. Even through my faults and my struggles He loves me. He loves me even though i'm not worthy of it most of the time. I consistently turn my back on him but He still loves me. He loves me. He loves you. He loves every person that you've ever laid eyes on. It's amazing. He's amazing. Believe me when i say that YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD. That will NEVER change. Believe it. His love is not conditioned. God is love.

Motherly Love

okay. this may sound extremely cheesy to a lot of you, especially the male audience, but it's what i feel. I cannot fully express (probably not even with this blog post), how much i am going to miss my mother when i move in. Yes, campus is only fifteen minutes away, but it'll probably feel like it's fifteen hours away (at least that's what some Naz students have told me). I won't have a car on campus so surely that will make this more difficult. And of course the whole not going home for three weeks thing will make this hard. My mother has been there for me more than anyone. We have many of the same interests. We get along perfectly, minus a few rough spots here and there. However, i love her so much. I fear leaving her at home. I fear that i am not even going to be able to function not being able to see her every single day like i do now. My mother is the greatest woman i think i'll ever know. She is amazing. She constantly shows me love without it being conditioned. I thank God for her. I know this is so cliche, but she is the greatest mother anyone could ever have. At least in my eyes. You may disagree. Ha. But anyway, i am going to miss her. Probably more than anyone else that i'm leaving behind. I know that God will help me with this and He'll definitely help my mother. I know that He will help out relationship. All in all, i am going to miss her (how many times have i already said that?), but God is with both of us and He will help our relationship to remain as strong as it is.

haha. i warned you that this will be very cheesy.

Justifiable

Are we the worshipers of a just God? Is the God that we follow always being fair? Does God really love us as much as He says He does? well, i have been struggling with these questions a lot lately. I know that God loves me. It says so in the Bible. I have experienced His love countless times. It is very apparent that God loves me by the opportunities He has given me, the personal attributes that i am gifted with, the people He has put into my life, etc. However, in those dark times where all i can really think about are my struggles, i find it hard to really believe that i am the follower of a just, fair and loving God.
When we struggle, all we can really think about is ourselves and thinking of different "plans" on how to get out of these problems. I know i do this. Another thing that i do is cry out to God. During my prayers sometimes i tend to always ask and ask that God will heal me from my struggles and that I will be "fixed." I think, "If God is so Almighty and can do anything, then why hasn't he takedn this struggle away from me? why is it that i am going through this in the first place? this isn't fair! nobody should have to struggle like this!" I get angry. and i get sad. and i somehow always get these doubtful feelings about God. I'm afraid that i am going to walk away from Him. However, that is something i do NOT want to do. God has blessed me quite a lot and i am so thankful.
So what is the point of this blog? I don't know really. I guess i just wanted to vent and maybe share a minor part of my experience with struggling. One thing i have learned and am reminded of everyday, is that my struggles are not God's fault. The world is broken. We are all broken. God didn't make me struggle, something else did. God wants to help me through my struggles, and although i am extremely hopeless at times, sometimes i do have hope and fully believe that God will help me. Another thing that i have learned is that God's timing is right. Although that statement may seem false and it can be a bit irritating, it's true. and that is something that i think we all need to understand.
God is teaching me. He's teaching me quite a lot actually and i know that that's never going to stop. Much can be learned through struggling. I am being taught such things as self-control, discipline, etc. God is good. God is great. Just don't give up. Don't give up on God. He will help you. He will give you people to confess to and they will help you through these struggles. I speak from experience. Pray. It really helps. Are we living with a just God? I think He knows what He's doing. Is God fair? Once again, He knows what He's doing. I can give a simple yes or a no as i am struggling with these questions as well. Pray. Ask God. Let Him show you.
Sorry for all of the rambling. I don't know what happened. ha. i just wanted to talk.

One week. MVNU.

In one week i embark on a new adventure: College. Though i am quite excited and thrilled about this, i must admit that i am nervous as well and am feeling slightly uneasy about the situation. This is normal i'm sure. I'm excited about the spirituality of the campus i'll be going to. It's something i need. I knwo that it won't fix my struggles, but the atmosphere will be much healthier for me to cope with my problems. I'm excited about the academics. As odd and nerdy as it may sound, i can't wait to write a paper. Or read a chapter from a textbook. Or discuss biology and writing in my new classes. I can't wait to learn. I can't wait to be on a campus where i feel loved. I can't wait to be with friends who i already know, and those who i haven't properly met yet. I'm excited about the fellowship. However, with these excitements comes the doubts and nervousness about moving into an entirely new, and unfamiliar, place. I'm scared that i won't fit in. I'm scare that i'll lock myself in my room all day and hardly ever meet anyone. That would be very unfortunate. I'm scared that the guilt that i feel about leaving my mother will practically haunt me and will keep me from doing the things that i want to do. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of loneliness. There are so many fears that i have as well as many excitements. I'm worried about college, but as i've said, i am very excited about moving in on campus and being a college student. I will be counting down the days (i have been for awhile). I suppose this blog is a way to confess my worries and excitement as well as a chance to say goodbye to my friends from high school. I will miss a lot of you. I love all of you and wish you the best. We WILL keep in touch. I WILL see you again. I promise. Good luck with college or whatever your plans may be. :) Hello MVNU class of 2013!!!!!!

buzzed.

I am now an official graduate of East Knox High School. I am so thrilled to be out of high school, much more thrilled than i thought i would be. High School is a phase. It's something that you only go through once and is remembered throughout the rest of a persons life. High School is "the best days of your life." Well, it's over for me as well as the rest of my former classmates. Change has come. It's the perfect time for it.

What do i want to change now that i'm out of high school? I want to be happier. I want to love life. I want to love myself and others more. I want to forget about all of the ridiculous drama from high school. I want to gain maturity. I want to choose my friends (this may be my favorite). I want to be free. In an effort to make the change known, I shaved my head. Now, i know what you're thinking: "Ben! Why did you do that?? You love your hair!" Well, it's time for me to stop letting my hair define who i am. It's time for me to stop hiding behind it. It's time to "shave away" high school and all that came with it. The past. This truly is a new beginning, not an end.

I think very symbolically. Yes, even when it comes to my hair. Shaving my head, to me, represented embracement. I am embracing who i am and who God made me to be. I am erasing the bad that has happened in the past and starting anew. I am regaining myself and becoming visible.

None of this may make sense, and if that's the case then i apologize, however, it makes sense to me. In an effort to love myself and forget my insecurities and finally begin to see worth in me, this needed to be done. I am so greatful that this has happened. I am free. I have never felt better.

give everything to Him

lately i've been at kind of a low point in my life. Some of you who are reading this probably know what i am talking about and i thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
this past weekend i went to church with a friend and it was a very enjoyable experience. He got baptized and it was so great to see that. I loved so much seeing someone devote everything to Christ and the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. but then i began thinking.......what if this never happens for me? what if i don't make it to this point in my relationship with God where i give everything to Him? i haven't yet. and i'm scared that i'm not going to. i want to give EVERYTHING to Him. i want to be able to live in constant joy because of my faith. i want to love God completely and put all of my faith and trust in Him. I want to give Him my heart. I want Him to be my father. my best friend. my confidant. my everything. Yes, i love Him so much and He has given me so much to be thankful for, but i haven't given everything to Him in return. I don't always trust Him. Sometimes He really does piss me off. (And yes, some would consider these feelings normal. No need to mention that.)
The world is a dangerous place. I find that sometimes i'm more concerned with my cell phone than God. I'd rather tune in on Thursday nights at 9:00 and watch Grey's Anatomy instead of praying. I would prefer to listen to Evita rather than worship music. I want to live for God. I want to be able to say that i would give up everything for Him. Right now, i don't think that's the case. That scares me. I'm afraid that i'm getting so sucked into the world that i'm going to forget about God. I'm afraid that one day i will walk away or something worse will happen. I don't want that. At all.
So where do i go from here? What's holding me back? Well, for some the answer is obvious. Yes i have my own personal struggles, many whom know about them, but i know thats not an excuse. Even in the bad times i need to give Him the glory. Well, i find that hard at times. Sometimes i find myself blaming God for my problems rather than asking for help or showing Him any love. I hate that. I hate this stupid human nature that we all have. It sucks. Typically my life focuses on the negative rather than the positive. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe i should focus on what i already have rather than what i don't have in my life. well. let's give that a try.
Don't get me wrong. I love God. I really do. Some may think that this blog and what i have written contradicts that statement, but i know that i do love God. Don't doubt that. I have a lot to work on. A lot of growing to do. A lot to change. I shall be praying about it. And prayers are always welcome.

God you amaze me

Lately i have been feeling like crap. A lot of stuf has been happening that has made me feel so angry and depressed. (Forgive me for i'm not going to write the details on here so the entire internet world may see. But if you want to know, just ask and we'll see what happens.) Anyway, life has been very shitty lately. I've lost friends. I've been in a bad mood day after day. I've been more depressed than I ever have. I've been wondering, "Where is God?" Now, i know that He's always there but i'm the stupid one who neglects Him, but i feel like i've been crying out for help and He hasn't been coming. So i've been pissed at Him. That's not good. So what's up with me? How long am i going to be feel like this? When will i finally have Hope that a better day will come? idk. But onto the real point of this entry.....i have learned that even in the worst of moments, good things can happen, and God can certainly be known in all situations. From what i've been going through, I have developed new, healthy relationships. With people that show me love and let me know that they care about me. I have been taught many things by God because of what has happened. I think i have even gained a bit of hope. Now that's saying something. Now, i'm getting reconnected with God. Or at least trying to. One way is people. People showing the love that Christ shows. Church. Learning. I've even felt kind of good lately. Not as depressed. That doesn't mean that an hour from now i won't be sad. But at least some things seem to be changing. So i love God. I love what He's been showing me (the good things.). And i am so thankful for the amazing people in my life. I love you all. :)

I feel like i just rambled on for a long time. I hope it was enjoyable. It was good writing everything out. that felt good.

Matthew 28:1-20

1After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.
2There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. 4The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
5The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."
8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."
11While the women were on their way, some of the guards went into the city and reported to the chief priests everything that had happened. 12When the chief priests had met with the elders and devised a plan, they gave the soldiers a large sum of money, 13telling them, "You are to say, 'His disciples came during the night and stole him away while we were asleep.' 14If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." 15So the soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated among the Jews to this very day.
16Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Wow I love Jesus. :)

Learning

Lately i've been thinking a lot about my relationship with God. Where do i sit with God? How do I feel about the relationship that i'm in with God? Well to be honest, I haven't really been feeling very secure with my relationship with God. I know that He loves me unconditionally and the He's always there for me, but sometimes i dont see it that way. Sometimes i feel like God is pissed at me for something i've done, but that's not the case (though i wouldn't blame Him if He were). Sometimes I feel like God isn't present in my life at all. Sometimes I feel so hopeless and depressed, that I think that I may end up walking away from Him. I hate that feeling. However, I will admit that life seemed to be so much more easier before I was a Christian. Although, i will admit that life is more joyous with God in my life. Life is more fulfilling when I'm filled with the Spirit. That is, when i'm not falling away. A lot of things have been going wrong in my life for the past few weeks, and that is why i've been thinking about all of this. Let me tell a bit of a story: This past week at youth group, it was amazing. We studied the Bible and had amazing discussion. My type of night considering I don't really care for all of the games that are played. Anyway, at the end my youth pastor asked those of us who want to Follow God, to stand up (everyone there wants to Follow God, but there was some other things that he said that i can't remember for the life of me, so i'm just going with this. either way this story is awesome.) so, some of us stood up and came to the middle of the group, and those who didn't stand up, prayed over us. It was one of the most beautiful moments that i've ever witnessed. In that moment, i felt so safe. so loved. so SECURE. in that moment, i felt God, which was something that i've really been needing. I think that as time continues, i am only going to grow even closer to God. I want to follow Him. I want to put Him first. I want to essentially grow into a more Christlike person. until that happens, i will continue to pray. I will continue to get cousel and enjoy fellowship with other Christians. I WILL have Hope. Besides, you can't really do much without it.

Crying out

I'm hurting.
I'm broken.
I need to be saved.
Be happy.
Be mentally healthy, of course.
Why is it taking so long?
Wy is it that I give everything i can, yet no change?
no help.
no aid at all it seems.
Do i love?
Yes.
Am i crying out?
Yes.
Walking away?
I'd rather not.
So here it is.
My tears.
My guard let down.
My heart on my sleeve.
Come into my heart Lord and set me free.

Love

Show someone love.
Say hi to them in the hallway.
Wave to them while your driving.
Go up to someone and hug them.
Love.
It's meant to happen.

Vegetables

i was shopping kroger today in the produce section and as i was walking i was obviously searching for veggies that were ripe and that would hopefully taste good. but then i started thinking, "Wow. These vegetables are beautiful." I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had this reaction to a carrott, but i did. I admired them. I didn't want to eat them for fear that i would tarnish their beauty.

God gave us everything. God is in everything. I saw God today in a carrott. Something so simple. Something that normally i wouldn't pay much attention to. But today was so different. I saw God's beauty in a carrott.

That's awesome.

Personality test

i took a personality test online, and here are the results:

Ben Betscher's personality type:
People-oriented and fun-loving, they make things more fun for others by their enjoyment. Living for the moment, they love new experiences. They dislike theory and impersonal analysis. Interested in serving others. Likely to be the center of attention in social situations. Well-developed common sense and practical ability.
Careers that could fit Ben Betscher include:
Actors, painters, comedians, adult entertainers, sales representatives, teachers, counselors, social workers, child care, fashion designers, interior decorators, consultants, photographers, musicians, human resources managers, clerical supervisors, coaches, factory supervisors, food service workers, receptionists, recreation workers, religious educators, respiratory therapists.

I like. :)